Redefining/Reclaiming

So much of life for the past few years - for me and Kevin both- has been defined by the initial phrase "While we're taking care of...." And most of it was legitimate, life or death type of caregiving. Now that urgency is gone, and we are both faced with redefining our places in the world... a world vastly changed from where it was two years ago.



There is sadness in this of course... I still reflexively think "Oh, Glen's going to love hear...oh.. never mind" There is frustration also... between the caregiving and the grieving, I'm not in the kind of physical shape I was just a few years ago. My "bad hip" has become two bad hips, which means anything I want to do takes at least twice as long as I think it should. I still beat myself up for that and for other things that I need to just let go.



But... there is opportunity also. I can once again keep only healthy food in the house. Even if I don't feel like cooking, I can keep frozen veggies, entrees, etc readily available. And even though I DO consider chocolate a "healthy food" I am pleased to find myself looking for it far less often. I can leave the house and go for a drive, or go spend time with my sister. Hopefully improved diet and exercise will mean improved mobility.. an upward spiral rather than a downward.. what a concept.



I think on the future.. might I want to do volunteer work? Go back to my jewelry making? Perhaps learn something new? This is a big house.. do I want to stay here when Kevin moves on with his life? Maybe move back to Marin or Sonoma? These thoughts are ever present and yet I try to think of them consciously in only small bits or it all becomes overwhelming again.



I see Kev going through some of the same things... As I become stronger and more independent, it will become easier to once again look to his own future. He can again dream big dreams and make plans of how to make those big dreams become big realities.



For now we continue to make baby-step progress on cleaning the house, catching up with long-deferred maintenance... these things give me some renewed sense of control over my own life. It's all a process. It's all part of the journey. At least the level of suckitude is far less than some other parts of the journey have been!