The Problem with Good Days

Had a nice long run of pretty decent days. Kev and I have been getting along reasonably well, made a good chunk of progress on the house (of course... when I'm making progress on the long term stuff, the house often looks messier because things like dishes get put on hold.) The problem with a long run of decent days is it can lull you into a false sense of security. One can start to feel like she is beginning to redefine normal minus the hyper-aware anxiety being ever present.

Then.. just like that... it's gone. The carefully crated sense of calm disappears with a phone call or a barking dog or maybe because of nothing at all. Today, it's a bunch of things. A phone call that the city inspector is coming for the final sign off on the pool tomorrow. Now.. this is not MY issue, we're not even using the pool at the moment.. it's the builder's issue. Doesn't matter. And.. the builder has to come install a couple of door alarms and block off the pet door (long story.) Someone's coming to hopefully pick up Glen's bed, assuming she wants it after she's seen it. Glad to have it find a home... still going to be sad to see it leave. Too much time spent sorting and tossing in that room.. definitly ready for it to be done. Mostly just carpet cleaning and reassembly but still ready for it to be over.

What I'd like to do is crawl back into bad and pull the covers over my head for a while. Can't do that. People coming. And gotta get ready for Kev's birthday. And Christmas. And it's supposed to rain. It's just one of those times that in order to keep the semblence of a "normal household" I am reminded that there's one of me where there used to be two of us. Blech.

holidays. oh boy.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. The death of Glen's Uncle Nando hit me and Kevin much harder than either of us would have predicted. I think for a number of reasons. Of course the obvious.. We buried Glen like 3 1/2 months ago. We've lost 5 people in a year, and Glen's dad just a year before that. Since there was no funeral for Glen's parents, the pictures of them mixed in with the pictures of Uncle Nando and Auntie Nancy gave us a chance to grieve them but also added another layer. Too much sadness.. all too soon.

Then there's the whole holiday thing. Of course, holidays around here have been weird for a while anyway. But now, much of the weirdness is actually gone. I'll say one thing for weirdness.. it's distracting. You don't really have time to miss normal all that much.. ok, you miss normal, but you don't have time to dwell on the lack of "special". I really struggle with all the commercials showing happy couples buying each other fabulous gifts. I HATE the ads with happy couples going dreadfully romantic places. Not even crazy fond of the "big happy family" ads.

Thursday is Thanksgiving. Kevin and I have ordered a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Safeway.. even green been casserole! Yeah, we'll be eating leftovers for a long time and still have stuff to freeze, but that's ok. He's going to go play football. I'm gonna curl up in my sweats and watch the Macy's Parade. Then it's dinner and football, and hopefully the turkey induced good nights sleep.

Soon it's going to be time to put up the Christmas decorations. Which we WILL do. I love Christmas. I love the music and the lights and the old movies and all the silly stuff that goes with it, and the ugliness of the past couple of years is NOT going to take all of that away from me. I'm hoping my family will still gather here on Christmas eve... even have a place for everyone to sit if we can be outside! There will be sadness.. but hopefully there will happy memories to enjoy and new ones to make.

And hopefully if we put the tree on the floor in the family room corner... Baron won't feel the need to pee on it.

Baby Steps and Bad Dreams

The outside is finished... with a pool guy and a gardener to help keep it that way. Starting to work on the inside. Have broken down and recycled most of the cardboard boxes that had piled up. Almost found the family room, gonna do kitchen tidying this afternoon. I'm learning to quiet my inner perfectionist. If I start a project I tend to work myself to death getting it finished all at once. I can't do that. My hip won't do it. My energy won't do it. I'm learning that if I work for a little while (like, sweep during commercials... doing dishes while the pasta is cooking..) Yeah, I know.. .duh. But my life is a learning experience right now. By doing little bits at a time, I am actually starting to catch up and that's nice.
I am also considering actually hiring someone to come in and help me clean out the room that was Glen's, the garage and maybe some of the upstairs. It's more than I can do on my own.. I tend to just sit and stare at it, and just physically can't do the lifting, etc, needed. I'd like to say I'm beyond being embarassed about how bad it's gotten.. but I'd be lying. But I think I am to the point where embarassed or not, maybe I can accept help.
So.. bad dreams. I'm having recurring dreams that Glen is in. Not surprising. What's kind of.. well.. weird: he always appears as a disembodied head. No, I have not been drinking or smoking anything aside from occasional glass of wine or mojito. Honest. One dream, he was out in the pool using a breathing tube to jump in the water from the beach entry. Last night, he suddenly whooshed in genie like, got right in my face and angrily yelled "Thanks a LOT!!"
Decided to look up what a disembodied head might mean (besides the baltently obvious ALS reference.) From several different dream sites, I got this: a disembodied head symbolizes loss of identity, effectiveness, meaning or life. Well GOSH, none of THAT going on around here. What I find interesting is there are the literal references to Glen's losses... but also strong references to my own losses. I've been a mom, a homeschool teacher, a caregiver for Kevin when he was having some issues, a wife, and then a full time caregiver for Glen. Again, the literal.. hard to feel like an effective caregiver when the person your taking care of.. y'know... dies. But more generally... I've lost the life I thought I was going to have, the person I thought I was as wife, the person I thought I was heading into the proverbial sunset with. Apparently, my brain is finding some interesting ways to deal with that.
My best baby step today.. I got myself up and out of the house. Had to take a couple of things to the post office.. I actually did so, then headed over to Starbucks and sat there to drink my coffee and eat my sandwich. Of course, the added bonus is I get to drive up to my beautful "new looking" house!
And last but not least, my "happy" story for the day. Since we're all just coming down from the Giants World Series win, I thought I'd share a baseball story. It goes back to when Glen & I were first seeing each other. Not even really "dating" yet. My friend Steve was playing baseball at Stanford.. he later played for the Texas Rangers, so it's a legitimate segue!! Glen agreed to come to a game with me (really didn't take much to talk him into it).. then of course we waited around so I could introduce the two. The two guys shook hands, and apparently Steve's handshake was a little extra firm, as he gave Glen the once over. On the way back to Glen's, he said "Why do I have the feeling I've just been checked out!?" ohhhhh... I dunno... maybe because you were. And passed inspection! Guess I've always had folk watching out for me even when I didn't realize it.

Musings on Anxiety

Look up "anxiety" in any dictionary (or many if you look online) and you'll find lots of synonyms, some pretty obvious, but my favorite is "disquiet". That's exactly what I feel like today. Things just feel .. I dunno.. off. Got that knot in the pit of my stomach for no particular reason feeling going on. It's kind of a useless feeling, at least in my case. More likely that I'll just freeze up like a rabbit waiting to be scooped up by a hawk rather than do anything terribly useful.

Maybe it's because the weather can't make up its mind. Woke up to a gorgeous sunny crisp fall day.. now it's getting cloudy and dark. Better stay dry for the baseball game! Constantly changing temperatures tend to be rough on my knees and hips too. So I'm physically not feeling the best. Maybe it's just reaction to changes in Kevin's life.. concerns that both people involved will be able to handle the changes with strength and grace. And of course, it could always be related to the suckitude level of the past few years. Who knows.

Going to do my best to basically just wait it out, this disquietude that I'm feeling. Maybe do a little more tidying. Maybe bring my new unicorn statue in from the porch and decide his permanent home in the yard. I'll have Kevin home with me to watch the games... that will be nice.

Redefining/Reclaiming

So much of life for the past few years - for me and Kevin both- has been defined by the initial phrase "While we're taking care of...." And most of it was legitimate, life or death type of caregiving. Now that urgency is gone, and we are both faced with redefining our places in the world... a world vastly changed from where it was two years ago.



There is sadness in this of course... I still reflexively think "Oh, Glen's going to love hear...oh.. never mind" There is frustration also... between the caregiving and the grieving, I'm not in the kind of physical shape I was just a few years ago. My "bad hip" has become two bad hips, which means anything I want to do takes at least twice as long as I think it should. I still beat myself up for that and for other things that I need to just let go.



But... there is opportunity also. I can once again keep only healthy food in the house. Even if I don't feel like cooking, I can keep frozen veggies, entrees, etc readily available. And even though I DO consider chocolate a "healthy food" I am pleased to find myself looking for it far less often. I can leave the house and go for a drive, or go spend time with my sister. Hopefully improved diet and exercise will mean improved mobility.. an upward spiral rather than a downward.. what a concept.



I think on the future.. might I want to do volunteer work? Go back to my jewelry making? Perhaps learn something new? This is a big house.. do I want to stay here when Kevin moves on with his life? Maybe move back to Marin or Sonoma? These thoughts are ever present and yet I try to think of them consciously in only small bits or it all becomes overwhelming again.



I see Kev going through some of the same things... As I become stronger and more independent, it will become easier to once again look to his own future. He can again dream big dreams and make plans of how to make those big dreams become big realities.



For now we continue to make baby-step progress on cleaning the house, catching up with long-deferred maintenance... these things give me some renewed sense of control over my own life. It's all a process. It's all part of the journey. At least the level of suckitude is far less than some other parts of the journey have been!

Dark, rainy, gloomy day. Kev's at the football game. Rushi's headed to Fremont. Going to attempt to not let it get to me. Maybe do some sorting... maybe do nothing but watch football and baseball! Weird not having anyone to watch ballgames with... even at his worst, I could generally still watch sports with Glen. When we were first starting to go out, it was during the 1980 Winter Olympics. We were both supposed to be going to the same party.. I think it was in Santa Clara, don't really remember. I was still living in San Rafael. But it was the day of the championship hockey game. THE championship hockey game! Gold medal on the line for the US. Neither of us went to the party... we spent the afternoon on the phone (Glen in Sunnyvale, me in San Rafael).. watching the hockey game. Sports junkies do have a way of finding each other. Non-sports junkies just look at us and shake their heads.

Alternating Grumpies

I'm not sure sometimes if it's better when Kev and I are on the same grumpy/ok schedule or if it's better when we alternate. There's pros and cons to both. If only one of us is grumpy at a time, there aren't the HUGE blow ups ... but then there's not times when we're both in good moods either. If we are both grumpy at the same time.. well... it usually involves yelling and vague accusations about the other not being fair or not understanding....
I also have trouble sometimes figuring out what expectations are reasonable and what are unreasonable as far as help around the house. I do sometimes feel that there are three of us making the mess and only one that cares whether it gets picked up or not. And even if others DON'T care .. I do. And.. well.. even if they don't care.. the "rent" for living here is supposed to be "doing chores" to help keep the house up. I have that in writing. But then Kev gets home from work tired and cranky and one of two things happens: either i feel really bad for him and tell him to go sleep so he doesn't get sick. Or Rushi has things she wants to do and off he goes with her without so much as a "is there anything you need me to do first..." Either way I end up feeling somewhat resentful that my house is still a mess. And mad at myself because my hip won't let me keep up with what I judge I should be able to do around here. Sigh. I do this to myself all the time: I crave the company so I don't push "issues" when people are here, and once they leave or go to sleep or whatever that leaves me alone... all I can see is the chaos and mess. Kev saying "it looks fine" does not help.. it does not look fine! And it's hot today so that makes me grumpy too.
Got one of Kaiser's follow up hospice letters today and it was talking about journalling. Kinda liked one of their suggestions.. that each time you write, include one happy or funny or somehow upbeat story of the person you are grieving. Now... I'm not going to try to include stories about all 3 every time... but I will try to include something. And if I feel like it being a dad story instead of Mom or Mike or Glen.. well, that's ok too.
So let's see.. one thing I've been thinking about a lot lately for whatever reason.. a couple of blocks from Mom & Dad's house in Novato was a park.. nothing fancy, mostly just a hill with nothing built on it. Before the football series started, when the boys (sorry Kimber, this predates you) were all little and would start getting a little rowdy, Uncle Glen would take them all: John, Michael, Keith, Kevin and Mark.. and herd them up to the park. One would think that would be a bit like herding cats, but he managed and gave them all an outlet and opportunity to do something with the "little boy energy." Good stuff.

Venturing out....

Sharon texted me Friday.. a property she's been lusting after in Petaluma was having an open house on Saturday.. I should come up and have lunch and we could go look at it. Of course my first reaction was um.. er.. while my brain tried desperately to find a legitimate sounding reason why I had to stay in my cave. And I found myself texting back "that could be fun! Let me check with Kev...." She texts back "you don't need to check with Kev any more." Oh.. yeah. [deep breath] "OK, let's do it."
Got up before anyone else, hit the drive through Starbucks and off I went! Opened the sunroof, opened the windows, cranked up the radio (Classic Vinyl on Sirius). For the first time in a very long time I felt.. unencumbered! I think they call it.. fun? Met Sharon and Jeni for lunch.. Yummy chicken sandwich. Went and looked at the property. Cute little house on a couple of acres. I didn't wander the property much.. uneven ground, bad hips and visible yellow jackets kept Katie on the porch.
Then we drove more towards the downtown area... there was a house we wanted to drive by that I'd seen online (more about that in a bit). It was really lovely, but no open house and big sign "do not disturb occupants" so we didn't see the inside, but the outside was amazing. It's also about 4 blocks from dear old friend Tom. In fact.. we drove down Liberty to see if we could remember the house. We were pretty sure we had the right one but not sure enough to go knock on the door.. checked this morning and we were right.
So what did I learn from the day? Getting out is good for me. check. The "one year rule" is a smart one.. this rule says don't make any huge life changes for at least a year.. check. Looking at houses in the north bay, where I would be closer to Sharon, cousins, etc is interesting, and an option.. but not now. It is nice to know there are some cool places, single level, pool... the one I mentioned before is a single story, 3,ooo square foot Victorian, fully restored, with pool. About equal cost to what I could get for this place. So I have options.. good to know.
Driving home was also interesting.. as I got closer to home, I started noticing the anxiety coming back. Need to pay some attention to actual causes.. just messiness? Need for repairs? Uncomfortable memories? Food for thought.
All in all a good day, and I'm going to try to do things like that a little more.

A New Journey Begins

I guess I got used to blogging while Glen was ill. I told myself it was for all of those who wanted to know how he was doing. I now know that it was for me as well... that "writer's gene" I got from Dad misses having a way to sort through what's going on by putting it into words and seeing it on paper... er... screen....

And so I start my own journey with my own blog. It's been a bit over two months since Glen died.. a heartbeat ago, and a lifetime. Some days I start to feel like things are ok, others I just want the world to go away and leave me alone for a while. Some days I'm the outgoing Katie I know (or sort of anyway), other days I adore whoever the genius was that invented caller ID.

Glen's dementia was causing issues for our family for at least 5 years before his death. The last two years were spent demanding a diagnosis and of course eventually being a full time caregiver... a single word that means nurse, finance manager, household manager,chauffer.. that was my life. And that was fine. But then in the blink of an eye.. it was all gone. I have no "template" for this phase of my life, it's not something I've been planning on since I was little.. and so I must figure it out one step at a time, one day at a time.

There will be a difference in this blog.. I will be writing mostly for myself, to help me map my own steps. But it will also be public... those who are interested are welcome to follow this journey. Perhaps those who have similar journies will feel less alone. Or will feel like they want to share what's worked for them. The blog.. like Katie.. will always be a work in progress.