Musings on Anxiety

Look up "anxiety" in any dictionary (or many if you look online) and you'll find lots of synonyms, some pretty obvious, but my favorite is "disquiet". That's exactly what I feel like today. Things just feel .. I dunno.. off. Got that knot in the pit of my stomach for no particular reason feeling going on. It's kind of a useless feeling, at least in my case. More likely that I'll just freeze up like a rabbit waiting to be scooped up by a hawk rather than do anything terribly useful.

Maybe it's because the weather can't make up its mind. Woke up to a gorgeous sunny crisp fall day.. now it's getting cloudy and dark. Better stay dry for the baseball game! Constantly changing temperatures tend to be rough on my knees and hips too. So I'm physically not feeling the best. Maybe it's just reaction to changes in Kevin's life.. concerns that both people involved will be able to handle the changes with strength and grace. And of course, it could always be related to the suckitude level of the past few years. Who knows.

Going to do my best to basically just wait it out, this disquietude that I'm feeling. Maybe do a little more tidying. Maybe bring my new unicorn statue in from the porch and decide his permanent home in the yard. I'll have Kevin home with me to watch the games... that will be nice.

Redefining/Reclaiming

So much of life for the past few years - for me and Kevin both- has been defined by the initial phrase "While we're taking care of...." And most of it was legitimate, life or death type of caregiving. Now that urgency is gone, and we are both faced with redefining our places in the world... a world vastly changed from where it was two years ago.



There is sadness in this of course... I still reflexively think "Oh, Glen's going to love hear...oh.. never mind" There is frustration also... between the caregiving and the grieving, I'm not in the kind of physical shape I was just a few years ago. My "bad hip" has become two bad hips, which means anything I want to do takes at least twice as long as I think it should. I still beat myself up for that and for other things that I need to just let go.



But... there is opportunity also. I can once again keep only healthy food in the house. Even if I don't feel like cooking, I can keep frozen veggies, entrees, etc readily available. And even though I DO consider chocolate a "healthy food" I am pleased to find myself looking for it far less often. I can leave the house and go for a drive, or go spend time with my sister. Hopefully improved diet and exercise will mean improved mobility.. an upward spiral rather than a downward.. what a concept.



I think on the future.. might I want to do volunteer work? Go back to my jewelry making? Perhaps learn something new? This is a big house.. do I want to stay here when Kevin moves on with his life? Maybe move back to Marin or Sonoma? These thoughts are ever present and yet I try to think of them consciously in only small bits or it all becomes overwhelming again.



I see Kev going through some of the same things... As I become stronger and more independent, it will become easier to once again look to his own future. He can again dream big dreams and make plans of how to make those big dreams become big realities.



For now we continue to make baby-step progress on cleaning the house, catching up with long-deferred maintenance... these things give me some renewed sense of control over my own life. It's all a process. It's all part of the journey. At least the level of suckitude is far less than some other parts of the journey have been!

Dark, rainy, gloomy day. Kev's at the football game. Rushi's headed to Fremont. Going to attempt to not let it get to me. Maybe do some sorting... maybe do nothing but watch football and baseball! Weird not having anyone to watch ballgames with... even at his worst, I could generally still watch sports with Glen. When we were first starting to go out, it was during the 1980 Winter Olympics. We were both supposed to be going to the same party.. I think it was in Santa Clara, don't really remember. I was still living in San Rafael. But it was the day of the championship hockey game. THE championship hockey game! Gold medal on the line for the US. Neither of us went to the party... we spent the afternoon on the phone (Glen in Sunnyvale, me in San Rafael).. watching the hockey game. Sports junkies do have a way of finding each other. Non-sports junkies just look at us and shake their heads.

Alternating Grumpies

I'm not sure sometimes if it's better when Kev and I are on the same grumpy/ok schedule or if it's better when we alternate. There's pros and cons to both. If only one of us is grumpy at a time, there aren't the HUGE blow ups ... but then there's not times when we're both in good moods either. If we are both grumpy at the same time.. well... it usually involves yelling and vague accusations about the other not being fair or not understanding....
I also have trouble sometimes figuring out what expectations are reasonable and what are unreasonable as far as help around the house. I do sometimes feel that there are three of us making the mess and only one that cares whether it gets picked up or not. And even if others DON'T care .. I do. And.. well.. even if they don't care.. the "rent" for living here is supposed to be "doing chores" to help keep the house up. I have that in writing. But then Kev gets home from work tired and cranky and one of two things happens: either i feel really bad for him and tell him to go sleep so he doesn't get sick. Or Rushi has things she wants to do and off he goes with her without so much as a "is there anything you need me to do first..." Either way I end up feeling somewhat resentful that my house is still a mess. And mad at myself because my hip won't let me keep up with what I judge I should be able to do around here. Sigh. I do this to myself all the time: I crave the company so I don't push "issues" when people are here, and once they leave or go to sleep or whatever that leaves me alone... all I can see is the chaos and mess. Kev saying "it looks fine" does not help.. it does not look fine! And it's hot today so that makes me grumpy too.
Got one of Kaiser's follow up hospice letters today and it was talking about journalling. Kinda liked one of their suggestions.. that each time you write, include one happy or funny or somehow upbeat story of the person you are grieving. Now... I'm not going to try to include stories about all 3 every time... but I will try to include something. And if I feel like it being a dad story instead of Mom or Mike or Glen.. well, that's ok too.
So let's see.. one thing I've been thinking about a lot lately for whatever reason.. a couple of blocks from Mom & Dad's house in Novato was a park.. nothing fancy, mostly just a hill with nothing built on it. Before the football series started, when the boys (sorry Kimber, this predates you) were all little and would start getting a little rowdy, Uncle Glen would take them all: John, Michael, Keith, Kevin and Mark.. and herd them up to the park. One would think that would be a bit like herding cats, but he managed and gave them all an outlet and opportunity to do something with the "little boy energy." Good stuff.

Venturing out....

Sharon texted me Friday.. a property she's been lusting after in Petaluma was having an open house on Saturday.. I should come up and have lunch and we could go look at it. Of course my first reaction was um.. er.. while my brain tried desperately to find a legitimate sounding reason why I had to stay in my cave. And I found myself texting back "that could be fun! Let me check with Kev...." She texts back "you don't need to check with Kev any more." Oh.. yeah. [deep breath] "OK, let's do it."
Got up before anyone else, hit the drive through Starbucks and off I went! Opened the sunroof, opened the windows, cranked up the radio (Classic Vinyl on Sirius). For the first time in a very long time I felt.. unencumbered! I think they call it.. fun? Met Sharon and Jeni for lunch.. Yummy chicken sandwich. Went and looked at the property. Cute little house on a couple of acres. I didn't wander the property much.. uneven ground, bad hips and visible yellow jackets kept Katie on the porch.
Then we drove more towards the downtown area... there was a house we wanted to drive by that I'd seen online (more about that in a bit). It was really lovely, but no open house and big sign "do not disturb occupants" so we didn't see the inside, but the outside was amazing. It's also about 4 blocks from dear old friend Tom. In fact.. we drove down Liberty to see if we could remember the house. We were pretty sure we had the right one but not sure enough to go knock on the door.. checked this morning and we were right.
So what did I learn from the day? Getting out is good for me. check. The "one year rule" is a smart one.. this rule says don't make any huge life changes for at least a year.. check. Looking at houses in the north bay, where I would be closer to Sharon, cousins, etc is interesting, and an option.. but not now. It is nice to know there are some cool places, single level, pool... the one I mentioned before is a single story, 3,ooo square foot Victorian, fully restored, with pool. About equal cost to what I could get for this place. So I have options.. good to know.
Driving home was also interesting.. as I got closer to home, I started noticing the anxiety coming back. Need to pay some attention to actual causes.. just messiness? Need for repairs? Uncomfortable memories? Food for thought.
All in all a good day, and I'm going to try to do things like that a little more.

A New Journey Begins

I guess I got used to blogging while Glen was ill. I told myself it was for all of those who wanted to know how he was doing. I now know that it was for me as well... that "writer's gene" I got from Dad misses having a way to sort through what's going on by putting it into words and seeing it on paper... er... screen....

And so I start my own journey with my own blog. It's been a bit over two months since Glen died.. a heartbeat ago, and a lifetime. Some days I start to feel like things are ok, others I just want the world to go away and leave me alone for a while. Some days I'm the outgoing Katie I know (or sort of anyway), other days I adore whoever the genius was that invented caller ID.

Glen's dementia was causing issues for our family for at least 5 years before his death. The last two years were spent demanding a diagnosis and of course eventually being a full time caregiver... a single word that means nurse, finance manager, household manager,chauffer.. that was my life. And that was fine. But then in the blink of an eye.. it was all gone. I have no "template" for this phase of my life, it's not something I've been planning on since I was little.. and so I must figure it out one step at a time, one day at a time.

There will be a difference in this blog.. I will be writing mostly for myself, to help me map my own steps. But it will also be public... those who are interested are welcome to follow this journey. Perhaps those who have similar journies will feel less alone. Or will feel like they want to share what's worked for them. The blog.. like Katie.. will always be a work in progress.