holidays. oh boy.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. The death of Glen's Uncle Nando hit me and Kevin much harder than either of us would have predicted. I think for a number of reasons. Of course the obvious.. We buried Glen like 3 1/2 months ago. We've lost 5 people in a year, and Glen's dad just a year before that. Since there was no funeral for Glen's parents, the pictures of them mixed in with the pictures of Uncle Nando and Auntie Nancy gave us a chance to grieve them but also added another layer. Too much sadness.. all too soon.

Then there's the whole holiday thing. Of course, holidays around here have been weird for a while anyway. But now, much of the weirdness is actually gone. I'll say one thing for weirdness.. it's distracting. You don't really have time to miss normal all that much.. ok, you miss normal, but you don't have time to dwell on the lack of "special". I really struggle with all the commercials showing happy couples buying each other fabulous gifts. I HATE the ads with happy couples going dreadfully romantic places. Not even crazy fond of the "big happy family" ads.

Thursday is Thanksgiving. Kevin and I have ordered a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Safeway.. even green been casserole! Yeah, we'll be eating leftovers for a long time and still have stuff to freeze, but that's ok. He's going to go play football. I'm gonna curl up in my sweats and watch the Macy's Parade. Then it's dinner and football, and hopefully the turkey induced good nights sleep.

Soon it's going to be time to put up the Christmas decorations. Which we WILL do. I love Christmas. I love the music and the lights and the old movies and all the silly stuff that goes with it, and the ugliness of the past couple of years is NOT going to take all of that away from me. I'm hoping my family will still gather here on Christmas eve... even have a place for everyone to sit if we can be outside! There will be sadness.. but hopefully there will happy memories to enjoy and new ones to make.

And hopefully if we put the tree on the floor in the family room corner... Baron won't feel the need to pee on it.

Baby Steps and Bad Dreams

The outside is finished... with a pool guy and a gardener to help keep it that way. Starting to work on the inside. Have broken down and recycled most of the cardboard boxes that had piled up. Almost found the family room, gonna do kitchen tidying this afternoon. I'm learning to quiet my inner perfectionist. If I start a project I tend to work myself to death getting it finished all at once. I can't do that. My hip won't do it. My energy won't do it. I'm learning that if I work for a little while (like, sweep during commercials... doing dishes while the pasta is cooking..) Yeah, I know.. .duh. But my life is a learning experience right now. By doing little bits at a time, I am actually starting to catch up and that's nice.
I am also considering actually hiring someone to come in and help me clean out the room that was Glen's, the garage and maybe some of the upstairs. It's more than I can do on my own.. I tend to just sit and stare at it, and just physically can't do the lifting, etc, needed. I'd like to say I'm beyond being embarassed about how bad it's gotten.. but I'd be lying. But I think I am to the point where embarassed or not, maybe I can accept help.
So.. bad dreams. I'm having recurring dreams that Glen is in. Not surprising. What's kind of.. well.. weird: he always appears as a disembodied head. No, I have not been drinking or smoking anything aside from occasional glass of wine or mojito. Honest. One dream, he was out in the pool using a breathing tube to jump in the water from the beach entry. Last night, he suddenly whooshed in genie like, got right in my face and angrily yelled "Thanks a LOT!!"
Decided to look up what a disembodied head might mean (besides the baltently obvious ALS reference.) From several different dream sites, I got this: a disembodied head symbolizes loss of identity, effectiveness, meaning or life. Well GOSH, none of THAT going on around here. What I find interesting is there are the literal references to Glen's losses... but also strong references to my own losses. I've been a mom, a homeschool teacher, a caregiver for Kevin when he was having some issues, a wife, and then a full time caregiver for Glen. Again, the literal.. hard to feel like an effective caregiver when the person your taking care of.. y'know... dies. But more generally... I've lost the life I thought I was going to have, the person I thought I was as wife, the person I thought I was heading into the proverbial sunset with. Apparently, my brain is finding some interesting ways to deal with that.
My best baby step today.. I got myself up and out of the house. Had to take a couple of things to the post office.. I actually did so, then headed over to Starbucks and sat there to drink my coffee and eat my sandwich. Of course, the added bonus is I get to drive up to my beautful "new looking" house!
And last but not least, my "happy" story for the day. Since we're all just coming down from the Giants World Series win, I thought I'd share a baseball story. It goes back to when Glen & I were first seeing each other. Not even really "dating" yet. My friend Steve was playing baseball at Stanford.. he later played for the Texas Rangers, so it's a legitimate segue!! Glen agreed to come to a game with me (really didn't take much to talk him into it).. then of course we waited around so I could introduce the two. The two guys shook hands, and apparently Steve's handshake was a little extra firm, as he gave Glen the once over. On the way back to Glen's, he said "Why do I have the feeling I've just been checked out!?" ohhhhh... I dunno... maybe because you were. And passed inspection! Guess I've always had folk watching out for me even when I didn't realize it.